Inherent Vice inherently sucks. It is painfully boring, with the emphasis on painful. The lights came up and I thought to myself, “What? That was only two and a half hours? Christ, it seemed so much longer than that.” Since I already wasted far too much of my life watching this piece of crap and the last thing the internet needs is another self-regarding movie critic, I don’t know how much time I want to waste writing about this. However, as a public service announcement, I am telling you to steer clear.
First of all, let me get a couple of things out of the way. There are a lot of critics out there who have given good reviews and have implied or stated outright that people who don’t love this movie are insufficiently intellectual or sophisticated. Really? Go to hell, you pretentious twits!
I went to go see this movie because I like Thomas Pynchon, I’ve enjoyed other movies by Anderson, the tone of the trailer looked like it was going to be a lot of manic fun, the cast looked impressive, I’m a big fan of film noir and hard-boiled detective novels and I’m secretly in love with Benicio Del Toro.
- Joachim Phoenix is the least sexy man in Hollywood.
- None of the characters have enough of an inner life to give a shit about them.
- The plot is difficult to follow, which wouldn’t itself be so bad, but since you don’t give a shit about the characters you don’t know why you’re bothering.
- There’s an Asian prostitute named Jade. Okay, I get it. He’s playing on a cliche and I’m not enough of a killjoy to start yelling racism. But, damn, if you’re going to put that shit up on screen, you had better make it work.
- The couple of attempts at subversive sexual humor were so lame that my seventy-something former English teacher mother yawned. If you think the “Pussy Eater Special” is naughty, you’re really lame.
- Your respect for The Big Lebowski will be markedly increased.
- You’ll feel really bad for the actors, except for the Asian prostitute who should have known better.
- Did I mention that Joachim Phoenix is not sexy? No, I mean I can’t imagine any woman actually wanting to fuck him. I guess that’s why it’s called fiction.
- Benicio Del Toro’s role is not big enough.
- In fact, no one’s role is big enough except Joachim Phoenix’s, and he’s really boring.
- There are large blocks of narration by a minor character which make you wish you were listening to the book on tape. Or maybe just reading the book.
- I’m afraid to mention that Josh Brolin does a good job because you might think that means that this movie has redeeming qualities. It cannot be redeemed.
- The highlight of the movie is the female character, if character is an appropriate word for an empty body with no inner life, pinches her nipple. Despite her fabulous body, the scene is oddly unsexy.
- Most of the male actors seem strangely old for their roles.
Instead of seeing this movie, get yourself a bag of pot and a porn magazine and spend the evening masturbating. It will a hell of a lot more fun, and emotionally deeper as well.