Did You Ever Know What Would Help

but you know you wouldn’t get it. I just want someone to hold me and let me cry on his shoulder. Unfortunately, there isn’t any therapy like that. I wrote that in a comment the other day and everyone made fun of me. I keep playing the mockery over and over and over again, Jon Zande, Remigius, Ron. These are exactly the sort of people I want to flee. I’d be angry with them, but I just don’t have the emotional energy for that feeling right now. I woke up crying this morning. This is the fourth day that I’ve been crying more or less non-stop.

Am I such a freak to want somebody to hold me? But science says that this is a normal need.

While studying wild baboons in Kenya, I once stumbled upon an infant baboon huddled in the corner of a cage at the local research station. A colleague had rescued him after his mother was strangled by a poacher’s snare. Although he was kept in a warm, dry spot and fed milk from an eyedropper, within a few hours his eyes had glazed over; he was cold to the touch and seemed barely alive. We concluded he was beyond help. Reluctant to let him die alone, I took his tiny body to bed with me. A few hours later I was awakened by a bright-eyed infant bouncing on my stomach. My colleague pronounced a miracle. ”No,” Harry Harlow would have said, ”he just needed a little contact comfort.”

I know that until I get some real contact with another person or other people, everything else I do is just propping me up so I can take another fall. When you get to a certainly level of patheticness, your patheticness itself drives people away. It’s like a viscous circle. I can’t see an end to it anymore.

There was another atheist blogger who used to like me when I was funny and sexy and invited me to visit. That invitation’s been rescinded since I’ve shown myself to be a tad more fucked up than he though. The ironic thing is, I’m pretty sure that I would seem less fucked up in person. Last night, I went out to dinner with my sister and my mother. I didn’t drink since I’d been feeling blue and that’s not and advisable combination. Other than that, you wouldn’t have noticed anything major wrong with me. I made chit chat, jokes. Then I went home and went to bed and cried.

This morning I had already had a bout of crying when I got an email that made me feel worse. It was from one of the few people who still contact me. I feel like I’m coming to the end of the line.

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