An Argument for Suicide
I’ve started having chest pains. I’ve been having chest pains continuously for about three days now. Yesterday, I nearly asked a policeman to call an ambulance. But I hat ambulances. They’re always just such a fuss. I just want a doctor who will listen. I woke up this morning and felt chest pains when I got out of bed.
Then I read an email and my chest pains got worse. I guess if the chest pains get worse when I read an email, it’s anxiety and not a physical condition.
I’m really seriously, seriously, thinking of suicide. I don’t have a plan yet, which is why I’m still on the outside walking around. However, that’s only because I’m terribly afraid of a botched suicide. When I’ve made up my mind, I’m going to do some research and will do something which will work.
fojap 
Don’t kill yourself my friend, not just yet.
Sorry, can’t help with suicide, but there are three common causes of chest pain that aren’t fatal: costochondritis, fibromyalgia, and reactive arthritis. If you press on the location of the pain or soreness, and it hurts more, it’s probably not a heart condition, and anti-inflammatories or analgesics can help. Of course that doesn’t eliminate other rarer problems that aren’t so nice, so see an MD. At this point, I’d normally stick in something completely useless like “…and ask your doctor if you’ve been to a region where certain fungal infections are common” since, as everyone knows, your doctor knows everywhere you’ve been and exactly what fungal infections the ad is talking about.
I know wishing doesn’t make it so, but I hope you can get some sort of life back.