The past few days I was actually feeling something close to normal. Now tonight, it’s not quite ten in the evening and I’ve been quietly crying for about an hour. Ten is the hour when I stop playing music and dial the noise down significantly and right now, I feel like I’m looking at a very long strange night.
It’s so strange what can trigger a depressive episode. It seems so trivial. If I were to tell you what the trigger is you’d think I was nuttier than you do already. I can see that this is going someplace not good and I don’t know how to stop it.
All I wanted to do was sit outside alone, have something to eat and read a book. I’d been cleaning my apartment and doing my laundry. I hadn’t eaten anything all day and in the late afternoon I had this idea that I would go take a break at a little Asian noodle shop that has some seats outside. Aesthetics matter a lot to me and I wanted to just spend an hour someplace attractive and pleasant. The shop itself is hideous, but they have some tables outside in an area that’s very pleasant. Of course, the place was closed.
It’s a little hard to explain why this upset me so much. Earlier this week, I was feeling like I just don’t want to be a basket case anymore. I hate exercising, but I exercised everyday this week except Friday, and that was because my mother had some problems with her email, so I went over there to help her. I’ve been good about cooking reasonably healthy meals at home and, most importantly, I’ve tried to be productive in a work related sense. I know that for a mentally healthy person, this is just normal behavior, but it took quite a lot of discipline and forcing myself to follow through. I just kept telling myself that I want to get better, I don’t want to be an emotional mess.
Two weeks ago, I cleaned my bedroom for what must have been the first time in over a year. My sister helped me and we cleaned out a small part of my closet. Or maybe that was last week. I’m not sure. Anyway, today, I tried to do the “routine” cleaning. It has to be understood that I’ve fallen behind on my cleaning by about two years, maybe longer. That doesn’t mean I haven’t cleaned anything at all, but I feel that each week I don’t do quite as much as is necessary to keep up on things and slowly, week by week, I’ve fallen behind and I could spend a full week, everyday, all day cleaning and not get my apartment, apartment not house mind you, to the level of tidiness of the average person. I don’t aspire to be a model of tidiness, just average.
So, my idea was, more or less, that I would do my routine cleaning, take a break in the late afternoon, have something to eat in a pleasant spot outdoors, taking advantage of the good weather, and read a book. It was a beautiful day today and the idea of a break kept me going. I didn’t want to cook because I didn’t want to dirty dishes. Also, I wanted to get outside as a sort of necessary “mood enhancer.” I’m not overly fond of the food at this noodle place, but it struck me as good enough and I really liked the idea of taking a break with a book.
So, of course, it’s closed. I began walking to another place that’s about a half a mile away. At the end of the block I paused. That place is very unattractive. I started feeling depressed just thinking about it. There was another place that’s much closer, but that’s even more unattractive, plus they have televisions. I stood at the corner not knowing if I should turn right, turn left and go back home or turn around and go to the other place. It was the idea of spending my break not only indoors, but in truly ugly surroundings, that had me stumped. It wouldn’t be much of a respite. If couldn’t have a respite, I might as well go back to my place, so I started walking back. I didn’t want to make myself some eggs because I’d have to dirty a pan and I was trying to tidy my place. I thought about ordering in, but the easiest thing would be pizza and I was trying to eat a little bit more healthily.
I got back home and I found I was crying, not hysterical, just crying. I just felt so defeated. It’s hard to explain.
I did eventually get myself some dinner, but it was in a really ugly environment. Worse yet, next door there is a sports bar and I had to listen to the sports news blaring throughout my entire meal.
Now, I’m home alone and I’m crying again. I’m not even sure why. It just feels like everything in my life is ugly and lonely. The worst part of it is that there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.