Really Struggling Tonight
In the vain hope of getting out of my shell, I went to the Women in Secularism conference this weekend. I signed up before having a fight with my mother. Now I’m here and feeling so lonely. It’s so clubby and awful. Everyone knows everyone. They’re all friends. No one talks to me. This is terrible. I feel like I’m having a total breakdown.
No one wants to know an old woman. I’m fat and ugly and I want to die.
What does someone do when you get to my age and everything’s not okay. I’m divorced, unemployed. Too old to start again but too young and healthy to die any time soon, unless I kill myself, which is a thought.
I need help so badly but I’m so alone in this world. No one is there to help me. I feel like I want to cry for help but there’s no one to hear me.
You’re not too old. When I went to group therapy, I was the youngest person with the problems I have. And I’m in a major urban area. They were all looking at me like, “why are YOU depressed? You’re young!!” and I looked at them, and saw how they worked to get their together… and was inspired. There are so many people in your boat, there are so many people that have gone through the same thoughts you are having now.
My mom? 50+ years old, had 2 strokes at 34, both parents dead, siblings never talk to her, Autistic son and a verbally abusive husband. She’s going back to college. College!! She’s decided enough is enough and get out there in the world, dive right on in.
And there are tons just like her. You can be an inspiration to others, you can. It’s not too late. I believe in you!
I know we are strangers, but I want you to know that I have read what you’ve written, and I have heard your pain. I wish I could alleviate it. Instead, I can offer friendship, at least online friendship, support from someone who’s been where you are, and a genuine desire to see you in a better headspace.
Take care. You ARE worth it. You DO deserve it. I am certain of those two things.