I Really Need Help and I Don’t Know How to Get It

So, as everyone knows, I’m almost fifty, unemployed and divorced. I’m not in a relationship and money problems have forced me to relocate to a town where I know no one. Meeting people has been my problem since I’ve left New York.

I don’t have a lot of interests that involve other people much. At one level I’ve always been a bit of a solitary person and an introvert. My ex-husband used to describe me as shy. It’s difficult for me to meet people and talk to people and even more difficult to make new friends. Also. I hate to drive. Leaving New York has been a fate worse than death for me. It’s like a slow death. I have bad days and okay days. I no longer have good days. Life is nothing but an effort to figure out why I don’t kill myself. I don’t know why. Maybe if I had a reason to life I’d stop thinking of killing myself. I’ve seen psychiatrists. I’ve even been hospitalized. I take medication. I don’t know what more there is to do.

I give up. I no longer know how to meet people. It’s nice to meet people online, but at some level that feels like a stop gap measure.

How does a person restart his or her life when you’ve fucked it up enough. No career. No friends. No goals. No purpose.

I’ve talked to social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists and I’m not one hundred percent sure what’s wrong with me. There are days I wonder if I went back to New York if everything would be okay again or if that’s just an illusion.

I feel trapped. No one wants to know a loser. I could hide what a mess I am, but then you can’t really make friends when you hide something essential about yourself.

So, I’m sitting on the floor of the bathroom in my hotel room. I’m not really sure how to describe it except to say that it’s really painful. I’ve toyed with the idea of taking myself to the hospital. It’s frustrating. I shouldn’t have to keep going to the hospital to keep from killing myself because all I want is to talk to someone. Going to the hospital feels like overkill. Yet, the last time I was in the hospital, that’s what I found. People who were all alone in the world. At the time, I couldn’t help thinking that maybe that’s why people get married and have families.

The fact that I’m not speaking to my mother has obviously excacerbated my loneliness. Maybe if I hadn’t had a fight with her I wouldn’t have started out feeling quite as bad and standing at the reception with no one talking to me wouldn’t have seemed like such a failure.

It’s hard to explain to someone who’s had a normal life what it’s like to have had nothing but failures in life.

Please, someone help me.

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4 comments
  1. nikeyo said:

    Talk it out.

    Look, I’m 27 and I’ve been through pretty much all the stuff you described: Had to move out of NY because I tried to kill myself and my family couldn’t help me only my b/fs family out in Cali, hate the fact that I left NY, I’m this young and already have 1 divorce under my belt, high BP, anxiety attacks, two hospital stays for mental health reasons…. drugs up the ass…

    Babe it’s not the end. You’re not at the end. There is far too much good in this world to allow this negative shit we go through every day with this depression bullshit keeping us down.

    The one thing that helped me was reaching out to people I haven’t talked to in years because of my depression. Every single person, I mean it – everyone – understood and loved me. My stupid depression brain told me no one gives a shit.

    Talk it out. Get it out of your head. It’ll help.

  2. I’m with Nikeyo. Talk it out. We’re here to listen to you, to hear your pain, to walk with you.

  3. Please talk to someone. I am new here at wordpress. Can you email me or inbox me your tel. number? Is there a support group maybe you can attend? A problem shared is a problem halved. Please find a way to talk to people. You are still very, very young. I am 51 (I hate writing that, I don’t feel that on the inside). I have felt what you describe. It will get better, it doesn’t sound like it can get much worse. Can you talk to you mother? I lost my mother two years ago and I miss her terribly. We fought and argued, but I loved her. You only have one mother. Maybe she can help. How far from NY are you? Keep writing. I find that helps. I will pray for you.

  4. you know you can talk to me. That offer has always been open and you got my mail just write to me and include your phone number, I will call

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