I Want to Die

I’m no longer thin and I’m no longer pretty. Women are worthless in the eyes of the world except for their bodies. Our minds are nothing. Our hearts are nothing. Why am I alive?

  1. Your heart and your mind are you, not your body. Seeing a person as but the object one wants them to be, minus all else that they are, is as common as it is wrong. I do hope you’re being satirical here. I only know you through your writing and know you are a terrific woman, though I once thought you were a French man, based on just that. Feel free to openly mock the people who make you feel this way with all the power of your wit and with all the fury you can muster. Makes me feel all warm inside when I do.

    • fojap said:

      Of course I’m not being satirical. Even a casual look at society tells that a woman is only worth as much as her appearance. I’m not even obese. I’m just short and a little bit overweight.

      Oh yeah, I spent yesterday with my mother saying to me, “You used to be so pretty.”

      • I’m sorry that she tells you things like that, but it is she who has the problem, not you. I was told I should never have been born and thrown down our small back stair case so many times I have scars covering my legs and back from it by my mother. Was she right? Am I what she said? Or are people often so fucking miserable that the best they can do in life is project their own shit onto others rather than admit it is they who are fucked up? I will not discuss a matter like this further here. It isn’t appropriate, or helpful. If you are indeed suicidal, you need professional help. I would not be here without it, and I’m not referring to fucking pills from some psychiatrist.

      • fojap said:

        I’ve been in therapy on and off since I was a teenager and I was hospitalized about two years ago.

      • I’ve been in and out of therapy for 20 years. I’m very fortunate to have finally found someone, by chance mind you, who specializes in trauma and I’ve been with her for 9 years. I’d have killed myself but not for this. The mental health system is abhorrent, in my opinion, in its insistence on fucking pills and other bullshit like ECT rather than listening to people. Many good therapists are out there, but it isn’t always easy to find them. It is connections to people that hurt us, and it is connects to people that heal us. If a pill helps as a band-aid, take the pill, but when I hear his bullshit about chemical imbalances that can’t be measured, determined, or proven being the cause of the pain I carry from 25 years of torture, I tend to get VERY angry. anyway, I hope you feel better, and I hope you find or have a therapist you feel connected to. I’m more than willing to discuss experiences and coping methods with anyone who wants, but discussing suicidal intentions on a comment section or e-mail even is dangerous and that I won’t do. Peace.

  2. I can’t make myself click “like” on this one. Being no longer thin or pretty is merely a stage of life (maybe a temporary one at that) – it does not define who you are. Hell, I’m a fat old lady, but no one seems to think I’m worthless. Don’t let anyone make you think you are. I agree with inspiredbythediviner – turn it around and give it back. It works for me, too.

  3. vastlycurious.com said:

    Based on the way you have portrayed yourself over the last year and a half you are either deadly serious or completely satirical and I trust the latter is the case. My body has most surely changed which I have accepted yet I fight it with aggressive exercise 5-6 times per week. This alone provides a healthy dose of dopamine’s and increases a positive outlook on life. Get off your ass and start moving. The intelligent discourse you have shared here comes from within. You can always do what I did and drape all the mirrors in black. {{{{ Hugs }}}}

    • fojap said:

      ” Get off your ass and start moving.”

      Fuck off you self-righteous bitch. I do fucking exercise.

      • vastlycurious.com said:

        Well,,,,,,,now I find your comment. My reposnse was said in 100% jest and sarcasm , the very place I find my comfort zone. I am not angry . I think it’s kinda funny that after 50 exchanges you do not recognize my humor. Maybe some day you will???? In the mean time try to get OFF your ass MORE !

        Signed loveingly ,
        Self- righteous BITCH . YEP .

    • fojap said:

      Please forgive me for cursing at you. I was having a terrible time and had spent most of the morning crying. You probably couldn’t know that the whole exercising matter is a trigger for me. When I sought help for my depression several therapists suggested I exercise. Since I was already exercising, that wasn’t a useful prescription. Eventually, I wound up in the hospital where they finally took me seriously. However, I probably could have been treated as an outpatient if someone had believed me when I first sought help months earlier.

      • vastlycurious.com said:

        I love you, everything about you. Your brain is astounding., FUCK THE LOOKS> You need to exercise into sub space. It’s a nice place to be sometimes! YEP!

  4. Please don’t die as yet. Am waiting for the installments of memories that bring us to the current moment. And if you are feeling not pretty, just break the mirror 😀

    • fojap said:

      Ah, well, for you then, Mak. But you do realize that at the rate I’ve been going you’re condemning to a long life. 😉

  5. The thing is, depending on who you talk to (or listen to), you’re right on the mark. But perception is mostly positional; selective exposure to the bullshit women hear about their value/worth is impossible because it’s so pervasive, but you can limit it somewhat. The most amazing human being I’ve ever met is a short, plump and somewhat androgynous-looking radical feminist. She is an exquisite woman. She demands attention through her intellect and wit, and she commands any room she occupies. If you’re hearing this bullshit from your mom, that’s pretty jacked up. Maybe throw it back in her face and see how it makes her feel (sort of a juvenile suggestion, I know, but sometimes you have to make a point). Anyway, this isn’t just lip service, I’ve inhabited the exact same mindset. You *cannot* be reduced to a mere comparison to the western ideal of physical beauty unless you allow it.

  6. OK. So I’m a fat old gay man. I’m completely out of the running to find either a lover or a partner. There’s only one “type” of person who never experiences what you (and I) experience. Straight white men. And I say, “fuck ’em all!” They may be able to judge us (and young gay men judge me, too), but there is not a one of them who is as interesting and alive as you and I are. Few straight white (or young gay white) men would have a clue what you’re talking about on your blog or I on mine. They don’t have a clue.

  7. I don’t think you intended to be satirical at all. You speak your pain with honesty and ask only for understanding….I understand because I have the same *depths of despond* that cling to me and render me completely vulnerable. Especially to criticism (however well-intentioned) from others. My mother was the queen of the dubious compliment…”you look so nice…if only you didn’t bite your nails” … “I like that dress, the color suits you…don’t you think it’s a little short?” This, after she’s been dead for 23 years. Scars are scars, visible or not. I hope that you are feeling a little better by the time you read this…I’m sending some positive thoughts and a hug (which I have plenty to spare). Hang in there. (writing is cathartic…don’t stop!)

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