Shush, Ma!

My sister insists I should tell this story. I’m a little hesitant.

My mother has moved to Baltimore. She’s spent her entire life in New Jersey. As far as she’s concerned, Maryland may as well be a foreign country. She’s having regular panic attacks and temper tantrums about how she doesn’t like it here. She doesn’t like the culture. She doesn’t understand how things work here. Why are there so many four-way stops? Why are there so many traffic circles? Why are the bagels so bad? Where can you get a decent slice of pizza? Making matters worse, she has no sense of direction. “I feel like I’m living in a maze,” she says constantly, her little blond head barely above the steering wheel. Yes, she’s getting to the age when people start shrinking. She’s already locked herself out of her apartment once. She said, “I’m worried that I’m developing dementia.” She’s not near dementia yet. I’m not really quite sure how to explain it, but her perception is fuzzy. She’s gotten a little slow on the uptake. She was always a smart, energetic woman, and now her reaction time is not what it used to be.

So, her television was very old and barely worked. When she moved, she decided to not take it with her. Now she needed a television. She hates television. When we were kids, if we watched tv, she would come in and yell at us and tell us we were getting dumber by the second. But it’s the modern world and everyone has to have a television whether you like it or not. But… she’s not going to spend money on one. So, she calls me up. She needs a tv. A big tv, because she’s half blind. And it needs to be cheap. She wants the cheapest big tv I can find for her.

“Your brother-in-law said go to Best Buy. I don’t want to go to Best Buy.”

“Okay. Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know,” she says. “I don’t know Baltimore. Isn’t there some sort of little appliance store some place. Sometimes places like that have good deals.”

So, I take to the internet and call her back. “Okay, I have a list of a few places we can get a t.v., but the cheapest place is Best Buy.”

“I don’t want to go to Best Buy. Aren’t there any little stores.”

“Well, I found one called Joe’s Appliances, but they don’t have prices on the internet,” I suggest. “We can go there and see.”

“They’re closed,” my mother informs me.

“How did you know that?”

“I got lost the other day. I saw a big sign, Joe’s Appliances. I thought, ‘Oh, good.’ So I pulled into the parking lot, and they’re closed.”

“Okay, then we have to go to Best Buy whether you like it or not.”

“Oh,” my mother says.

So, we get in the car and we go to the store. We find the very same t.v. I saw on the internet, we pick it up. She’s holding one end and I’m holding the other. The sales clerk asks if we need help getting it to the car. My mother replies that we have to get it from the car to her apartment, so if we can’t get it to the car without help we have a problem. She then tells the clerk her life story. “I was born a poor girl in Patterson, New Jersey.” Fortunately, the store wasn’t too busy and the sales clerk managed to smile through the whole story until she brought him up to the current day. “So, now I’m living in Baltimore.”

“Welcome to Baltimore,” the clerk says. Meanwhile, I’m thinking, “Please, Ma, don’t start about the bagels.” She thinks New Jersey is the greatest place on earth, and she’s not entirely aware that the rest of the earth does not agree with her. Happily, she responds politely.

The box is bulky, but not heavy, and we waddle to the door. At the door, there’s another young man who’s about six-foot five. He says, “Ladies, why don’t the leave the television here, go get your car, bring it around to the door, and I’ll help you put it in the trunk.” My mother has decided that we have sufficiently proved our ability to carry the t.v., so now we can let this guy help us.

We bring the car around to the front door. My mother says to me, “Stay in the car.” However, I’m a little concerned about her slightly fuzzy behavior, and I insist on getting out. She’s sitting behind the steering wheel, craning her neck, looking around. “I don’t see the guy with the tv.”

“Don’t worry, ma,” I say. “He’ll be there as soon as he sees us.” With that, I get out of the car. The young man walks out of the door, easily carrying the box that my mother and I had to carry together in his big, long arms.

“Pop open the trunk,” I call to my mother from behind the car. The trunk pops open. The man with the t.v. is at my side and he begins lifting the box to place it in the trunk. At the moment, gaping maw of the trunk stars drifting forward. The car is moving. Why is the car moving?

I run to the driver’s side of the car. “Stop the car, ma,” I’m yelling. As I round the side of the car, I see that the driver’s side door is open and a little blond head is emerging. “Stop, Ma! Stop!” I see a leg emerge. “Ma! What are you doing?” The car is continuing to roll forward. “Ma! MA!” Her body is following. Her foot is touching the ground. I’m standing with my mouth agape, the guy with the t.v. is standing with his mouth agape, and a small crowd has gathered. Her other leg emerges from the car and suddenly, splat! She’s on the ground on her hands and knees. The car is still moving forward and it’s picking up momentum on the sloping parking lot. It looks like the rear wheel is going to roll over my mother’s legs. Suddenly, she seems to be aware of what’s happening and she crawls faster than I’ve ever seen anyone crawl. She’s out of immediate danger, but the car is rolling forward. I’m frozen in place.

Suddenly, someone comes from behind me and runs and jumps in the car. I turn to my mother, “Is the brake broken?”

“I don’t think so,” she says. “I think I just forgot to put it in park.”

The man who jumped into the car pulls the car around and parks it where is should have been in front of the store. He gets out and hands the keys to my mother. My mother starts telling him her life story. When we reach the present, when she has just moved to Baltimore, bought a tv and fallen out of a moving car, she concludes, “It’s a miracle that you were here.”

Those words seemed to come out of her mouth in the same slow motion that I saw her head emerge from the car. I was thinking, “No, Ma! Stop! Don’t say that!”

“Will you ladies wait here,” the man says. I have something in my car I want to give to you. With that, he runs off.

His wife, standing by our side, says, “You two can go now, if you like.”

The man comes back with a small booklet, which I immediately recognize as a religious tract.

“Are you ladies believers?” he asks.

I look over at my mother and see that she has the same frozen, half-smile that I’m pretty sure I have on my face. “Um, well, uh, I, uh.” Sounds are coming from my mother’s mouth, but they’re not making any sense.

“Look at all of this,” he says raising his arms in a broad sweep that takes in, not only the Best Buy parking lot, but the strip mall across the street. “Do you think evolution can account for all of this.” I want to say, “You mean the macadam? I think that was a Scottish fellow.” but I bite my tongue. I stand there saying nothing and, happily, my mother says nothing. Eventually, the man has nothing left to say and insists that my mother will find his booklet inspiring.

We get in the car. “I need a drink,” my mother says.

“There’s a wine bar in Hampden….”

“Let’s go.”

This morning my mother phoned. “You know, I realized. I don’t like tv.”

44 thoughts on “Shush, Ma!

  1. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry as I was reading this story. You are such a story teller and glad your ol’ lady wasn’t hurt and no cars damaged in the process.
    The part of her not liking the tv ain’t great.
    And hope she stays well

    • She’s fine, though a little bit black and blue. She laughed at herself pretty hard afterward, so you can go ahead an laugh. She thinks the whole thing was funny.

      She’s happy enough with the tv we bought, but she just doesn’t like tv in general. When we were kids, we were allowed to watch anything we wanted, but the amount we could watch was limited. I think it was no more than a half an hour a day. I probably wasn’t a bad policy. After all, I became a pretty big reader.

      We asked her to move near to us because things like this are happening more and more often. She’s in her seventies, so I guess it’s to be expected. She’s not senile at all. Her reactions are just slower than they used to be.

  2. I love this post. It reminds me very much of a little old lady in our family (who, even though she’s in her late 80′s, refuses to admit she’s old, and constantly complains about all the “old people” around her). And congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!

  3. A wonderful story and so well told. I have a good friend whose mother seems to create similar humor just by being alive. Sometimes moms are walking talking sit coms but it takes a good writer, such as you, to reveal their genius. :)

  4. i enjoyed reading your blog, but it also made me sad. Its the sad truth of life, as we grow older our parents do too. sometimes it is painful to see these dynamic people, sometimes struggle through simplest of the things.

  5. Great story. I wish my mom was half as interesting. She’s 70, still sharp, still mostly competent, but drives everyone crazy in a just-doesn’t-give-a-damn sort of purposeful, willful incompetence. Like my old dog, who doesn’t really take me seriously when I call or whistle anymore, the dog will get around to listening when she’s good and ready–together, they’re two stubborn old bitches. That’s what my mom said when I told her she was acting like the dog. Then she smiles. I suspect a conspiracy.

  6. Great story. My mother died last year at the age of 97, but we have some interesting tales to tell about her. Maybe I will feature her in my blog some day soon.

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  8. This is funny and terrible all at once. I agree with other compliments you have received. You are a fantastic writer! I’m a CNA and I work with geriatric patients in home care, and unfortunately, many families have stories like this about their aging parents regardless of whether or not they have dementia. The best bet is to laugh them off and do as you have done here. Hang in there. Having a parent going through the aging process can be hard and frustrating but also humorous at times if you allow it to be.

  9. was just the right timing I stumbled across your post right when I’m actually having a bad day because of my mom starting to be like… ummm.. i don’t know but I have to pull heaps of my patience out of my ‘parenting bag’ these days… ugh… it’s just frustrating when you want them to learn or do something but they are used to the way they do things back in the day. arrrrghh… anyway.. set up foxtel for her, she might start to like the tv… hahah… love your blog!

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